Tips on Having “the Talk” About Cancer with Family and Loved Ones
Knowing how, when, and what to communicate about a new cancer diagnosis can be as difficult as hearing about the news of cancer from a doctor. It can feel overwhelming, intense, and hard to initiate.
For a person newly diagnosed, the most important thing should be a focus on their health and well-being, including the communication around cancer. Preparing for “the Talk” can go a long way in managing the stress of this conversation.
Here are some tips for the person with cancer and those who care for them, separated out for clarity, which can help during this process.
If You Have Cancer:
You get to decide when to talk about your cancer and how much to share.
Your needs should be primary in this conversation, but those around you will have needs, too. Expect that they will not always align easily and enter the conversation knowing that.
Be as clear and specific about your needs as much as possible. You may not know what they are initially, but knowing that will be important for you to identify and articulate them to get the support you will need.
During the conversation, if you become upset, angry, overwhelmed, take a break to regroup and compose yourself. This will be the first conversation of many, so do not imagine you will cover everything at once. Focus on one thing at a time.
Find a time and place that are as distraction free as possible.
You might consider practicing the words you want to say or jotting down some notes to keep you focused.
Talk as openly and honestly as you can, leaving room for both positives and negatives in the conversation. A lot of intense emotions will be present, so be responsive to what is happening in the moment.
Take turns during the conversation, leaving space for both you and the person or people you are sharing with to contribute. Try not to interrupt and leave opportunities for those you are speaking with to share themselves.
Acknowledging your diagnosis and giving voice to the news and your fears may feel like a healthy coping experience for you.
How and what you share will depend on who you are speaking with. Conversations with children, employers, friends, or neighbors will be different. Think about how what you say may change, depending on who you are having the conversation with.
If You Care for and Love Someone with Cancer:
Listen and center the experience of the person with cancer. Think before you speak and knowing that silence while you process the information is okay.
Letting the person with cancer know that you are uncertain of what to do or say is better than saying nothing or disappearing on them at a time when they need you.
Asking too many questions may overwhelm the person with cancer, especially if they do not yet have all the information they need.
Beware of saying things like, “I know just how you feel,” or offering unsolicited advice.
Express your feelings, but be careful not to overburden the person with cancer with your own feelings. You do not want to put them in a position of having to comfort you.
Resist any urge to break the news about cancer on social media. Let the person with cancer make the decisions about who knows and how they hear the news.
Take your cues about how you respond from the person with cancer. Paying attention to how they are doing can help guide your own responses. They may need to cry, or even laugh. If you look for their social cues, you will know how best to support them in that moment.
Think about and identify specific types of support you can provide. Offer practical supports first like running errands, providing care for children or pets, offering to drive and accompany the person to appointments. If they decline, continue to offer so they know you are sincere.
Be an active listener in the conversation. That means listening rather than feeling the need to speak and respond too soon.
Help the person with cancer begin to identify those things that are most important for them and prioritize those things in the support you offer.
There is no single or right way to have a conversation about cancer. It will be challenging and could be messy, but it can also be loving and hopeful. There is room for all of that. People often assume the worst when it comes to cancer, but so many patients have positive outcomes and enjoy a renewed closeness in their relationships after treatment.
Dr. Srilata Gundala, hematologist/oncologist and founder of Hope & Healing Care Center in Hinsdale, Illinois, knows how important open communication will be during treatment, “We work with so many different patients and families and know how hard these conversations can be. Sometimes it can help everyone to get outside help to provide neutral support. Being open and honest in sharing provides opportunities to support one another during an uncertain time.”
Written By: Sheila Quirke, MSW
Reviewed By: Srilata Gundala, MD
